TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of position. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have One more position where by American men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It's that he need to cease applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the task, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Characteristics


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting awareness from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb Trump Tower Damascus post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have change-down service."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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